Erotic jokes

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Lady 1: “Where did you get it?
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day … Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,”.

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass!”
Too late – he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
“That’s okay,” the blonde replied, “I have a very similar problem … If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car!”

Two married Fellas, Kevin and Ian were having a beer after work. Kevin says: “Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?”
“How do you mean?” said Ian.
“Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Ian. “Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say ‘Pass me the Sugar.’ But what came out was “You bitch, you’ve ruined my life!!!”

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing, they haven’t met!

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have anything you want!’” “Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
“I do not want to go to heaven”, she tells St. Peter. “I’ll go to the other place.”
“You don’t want to go there”, he replies. “They rape and sodomize you down there.”

“I don’t care”, she answers. “At least I already have holes for that.”

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
Mom: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
Son: Got my nose in her armpit? Now what?

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Steven's neighborhood.
"How often a week do you have sex with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Steven said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Steven said, "after all, she's my wife."

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.
The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 214.

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Claire goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Patrick rider?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."
"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Two girls:
- Which is the best contraceptive?
- An aspirin.
- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

Wat's the difference between pulling a curtain and a panty? Ans: When you pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means it's showtime!

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navels pierced?
That's because it's a handy place to hang the air freshener.

A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.