Erotic jokes

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention."
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache…
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful,” proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “WOW! – that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning “OH MY GOSH,” She proclaims.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
“She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife,
She’s not my wife…

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

 Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, “Wow,
unbelievable!”
Which woke Ed.
“What’s going on?” said Ed.
“I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.” said Ted.
“How come?” said Ed.
“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my
life!” said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?” said Ted.
“Because that’s my dick you’re holding,” said Ed.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a- a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h- a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.''Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.” His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.” Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. “No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

A man answers the door after he hears a knock. It is his next door neighbor holding a notebook.
"Want to participate in an orgy?" he asks.
"Who is going to be there?" the man replies.
 "Well, it's you, me and your wife."
"I don't think so!" he exclaims.
"OK, then, we'll take you off the list."

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay at the party, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "He did this carefully."Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."He silently obeyed her."Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."As he did this, the tension continued to mount.She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.  He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."